You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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