gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
