Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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