do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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