I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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