I met the friendliest cop last night
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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