I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
the raccoons are back...
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