trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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