Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What drink are we having for lunch?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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