textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
