if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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