If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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