Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
