when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
