So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
