I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
