i may or may not be watching the land before time
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
