I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
