God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
