I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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