Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So vagazzling was a success
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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