Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
