Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
