Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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