you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
