I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
