her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is Oprah even human
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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