I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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