just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
