Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
