My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
