Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
