i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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