I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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