I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
