I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
