my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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