All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
