I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
