i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
