We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
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