Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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