I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
