I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
