my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My vagina just recognized that song.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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