Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
