she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
