Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
