My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
