Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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