I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
